BETTY PRIES. The Space Between Us: Conversations about Transforming Conflict, Harrisonburg, VA: Herald Press, 2021. Pp. 230. $16.99 US
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Romans 12:18, NASB). I distinctly remember my mother quoting this verse to my siblings and me when we were children, and maybe even making us write it out multiple times as a reminder that any conflict we are involved in, we also hold some responsibility in creating. After all, she’d remind us, “It takes two to tango.”
If I could summarize the book The Space Between Us by Betty Pries, this verse is exactly what I would use. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started reading a book on conflict. The first chapter certainly met more of my unspoken expectations as it focused primarily on interactions between people in conflict, tools and terms that could be applied to said conflict, and examples of conflict resolution and reconciliation.
What I did not expect was how the following chapters shifted from a focus on conflict between individuals to conflict within a single individual, most specifically, you and me—basically the reader. The remainder of the book was a deep dive into the psyche and experiences of the individual, and a reminder that all conflict, even those ostensibly brought to us by outside forces or other individuals, is rooted in the formation of our own life experiences and personal story.
The heart of the message? “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all.” The key to this book is understanding those possibilities. How is it possible to be at peace? What should we do when conflict arises? What is our goal if reconciliation and resolution cannot be reached? What is our role as both an individual and a member of the body of Christ? This is especially significant to members of the Brethren in Christ as we hold as one of our core values “Pursuing Peace,” which states, “We value all human life and promote forgiveness, understanding, reconciliation, and nonviolent resolution of conflict.”
Far from being a prescriptive “how to” book on conflict, Pries takes her readers on a spiritual formation journey that forces a deep look within our own hearts, encouraging a recognition on how these areas of trauma and formation impact our interactions with others. In doing so, she offers the opportunity to extend grace to others, understanding that they too have had life experiences that have shaped and formed them and that they too bring into conflict situations.
Pries begins her book with a rather long initial chapter that looks at the “bones” of conflict—how did it start, how does it escalate, what strategies are useful in addressing conflict, how and what does one learn from conflict? Throughout the chapter, Pries offers anecdotes to demonstrate the principles that she is introducing the reader. And be forewarned: there are many principles to demonstrate.
If this book were a meal, the first chapter would certainly be the entrée, and it would be a rich, filling dish. It is apparent, rather quickly, that Pries has spent a great deal of time studying conflict and is familiar with the research, vernacular, and study of this topic. At times, complicated terminologies and topics are introduced and discussed very quickly almost with the assumption that the reader has some basic grasp of certain foundational concepts necessary to fully grasp the information being presented. As someone who did not have that fundamental background, I did find myself on many occasions slowing down and reading at a much softer pace than I normally would have. Honestly, I felt it could have been three chapters at least, with more time given to explaining fundamentals and less time on demonstrative anecdotes. Nevertheless, for a book that is centered on conflict, the author does offer a plethora of information about conflict, its causes and contributors, and its possible outcomes and consequences for the reader. It might just take a bit of time to get through it all.
The shift from a description of conflict to a deep dive into personal spiritual formation is foreshadowed at the end of Chapter 1 where the author states, “The answer [for conflict], it seems, may be discovered in finding new (or very old) ways to think about what it means to be a person and what the implications of this understanding are for our relationships with one another and with ourselves. This discovery is what the rest of this book is about” (73).
The next chapter begins that discovery with a breakdown of what constitutes “self.” Most notably, Pries breaks the person into three main areas of self—the descripted self (attributes such as height, weight, race, strengths, weaknesses, birth, death, etc.), the defended self (the self, sometimes called the false self, such as our ego, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, etc.), and the deeper self (the self that no one but God sees, our true self). The interactions of these parts of a person create the individual that interacts with society and therefore the individual who finds themselves in conflict.
With this backdrop, Pries begins to uncover how bringing these “selves” into awareness and alignment can impact how we approach and engage in conflict—a process that she refers to as “conflict transformation.” However, Pries makes it clear that unless we do the hard work of spiritual formation within ourselves, the ability to engage with conflict resolution practices is diminished. She ends the book with a series of spiritual disciplines that can help us to bring our best self into areas of conflict and grow both as persons and as Christians.
At times I felt this book, especially the first two chapters, leaned a bit more heavily on academic writing and verbiage than was comfortable for an average reader. However, if time is taken with the subject and the book is read at a slow and deliberate pace that allows for digestion, I believe it can offer the reader helpful and productive ways of transforming conflict and nurturing personal spiritual growth.